just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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