he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
