I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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