What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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