...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
