the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
