My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think i got beer on your cat.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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