Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
