I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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