i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
