I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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