What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
