i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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