every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
