this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
