I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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