finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
