What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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