There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize