I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
