Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
