i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
