I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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