I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
