I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
