K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
