I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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