I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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