Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
