I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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