how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
