Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
