I wannas sexs uuuuu
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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