Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
