I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize