We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
