You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
