proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she smelled like a LAN party
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
