I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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