I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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