Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Pooping to opera.
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