she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
