In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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