I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just had sex bonerless
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
