i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
