Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
