If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
