You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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