I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
