You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
