You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
