The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
