I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
