Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
