really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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