Will you blow on my dice?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
