What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
