I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
