Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
