No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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