i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
