dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
