9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
