I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
