we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
