When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize