He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
