im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
