I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
