You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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