He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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