i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
