from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You ruined the universe
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
