I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
