a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
