the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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