It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
