fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
