if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
