I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
