he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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